I went to my mail box and retrieved my mail. In the pile of mail was a letter addressed to Sasha Stamen-Cooper. It was from the New York Public Library. Immediately I knew what this was about. Not because I am psychic or anything like that, but because this was like the fifth letter I have received, for Sasha, from the New York Public Library.

During the summer that Sasha Stamen-Cooper was staying with me, he opened a New York Public Library account. He did this by going to the local branch of the library near my house and asking to open an account. The friendly librarian asked for an ID and Sasha presented her with his California ID. The librarian responded that he needs proof of New York State residence. Sasha cleverly asked how he could obtain such proof, possibly trying to imply that he was in the position to bribe the librarian, but I don’t think that’s true, seeing as Sasha is one of the cheapest guys I know. Anyway, the librarian said he just needs a letter addressed to him at his New York State residence.

Sasha came home that day and created an envelope from a bunch of index cards I have in my desk draw. He folded them and taped them and such so that they looked like an envelope and had a space to insert a letter. In that space, Sasha inserted an index card with this message written. “Howdy Sasha, this is yourself sending yourself a letter so that you can get a library account. Hope things work out, best wishes, Sasha.” Sasha then addressed the letter to himself at my address. So something like this:

Sasha Stamen-Cooper

555 Johnson Ave.

Bronx, NY 10463

He put a stamp on the index card contraption and left the letter in my mailbox for the mailman. But later that day, he removed the letter because he thought the mailman would think it suspicious if a letter to the same address was being sent from that address. The next day on the way to work, Sasha sent out the index card envelope from a regular mailbox. In a few short days, Sasha’s letter was returned to him. He opened it up and read the message he sent to himself. Then he giggled to himself.

At the library, Sasha presented his California ID and the index card envelope. In return, he got his New York State Public Library card. Immediately he rented six movies, the max. I remember them begin mostly old James Bond and Marylyn Monroe movies, of which, we only watch “Some Like it Hot,” and “Gentleman Prefer Blonds.” Regardless of only watching two movies, Sasha never returned any of them. He only remembered about returning those six movies when he went to try to rent more movies from the library. There, he was told that he had an outstanding balance of thirty some odd dollars. By the time Sasha returned the movies, he owed sixty dollars to the library. Sasha decided not to pay his late fees.

However, not paying the library’s late fees presented Sasha with a problem. Since his account was suspended because of the outstanding debt, Sasha could not use the library. However, motivated mostly by his being such a cheap asshole, Sasha returned to the library with his fake New Jersey ID that said he was twenty one, which I had made for him earlier in the summer, and a new envelope addressed to himself. Since the fake ID said his name was Sasha Cooper, he got a new library card. And his new account had no debt, so Sasha proceeded to rent six more movies, and returned those on time.

Of course, Sasha never paid his debt to the New York State Public Library and still to this day owes sixty dollars in late fees. And to this day, I get letters addressed to Sasha from the library asking him to pay. I even get debt collectors threatening Sasha to pay. I even get mail, addressed to Sasha, from companies that specialize in solving debt problems. I forward most of that mail to Sasha, but I don’t think he ever plans on paying the debt, I mean as he says, “the most the library can do is not allow me to borrow things with that account, but that’s cool, because I still have the other account.” I told him he was an asshole for ripping the library off but he just said something like “Fuck the government.”