SASHA STATMAN-COOPER

718-555-555 this is actually my phone
number. the kids lives in my house for two months and he is
posting MY phone number on his resume.

EDUCATION

Sasha switched colleges
like 4 times. All in all though they are pretty impressive

AMHERST COLLEGE, Amherst, MA (Sept. 2000-Present)

Transfer student; Political Science major, Bachelor of Arts
degree expected in 2002.

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY, New York, NY (Fall 1999)

Member of semester visiting program.

WESLEYAN UNIVERSITY, Middletown, CT (Sept. 1998-May
2000)

Prospective Political Science major.

MARIN ACADEMY HIGH SCHOOL, San Rafael, CA (Sept. 1994-June
1998)

Graduated cum laude with a 3.9 GPA on a 4.0 scale. Received
academic awards in English (two different years), in drama,
and for my work as an assistant teacher in a human development
class (Sasha is the last person qualified
to teach human development). Served as one of two spirit
captains and on the judicial board.

** WORK EXPERIENCE (since the middle
ages)**

FILM INTERN & WRITER, The Village Voice, New York,
NY (May-August 2001)

Wrote film reviews published in the paper, researched for
film writers and editors, and generally assisted the film
editors. (cool kid)

RESEARCH ASSISTANT, Professor Steven Cohen, SIPA, Columbia
University, New York, NY (July-August 2001)

Assisted in the creation of the MPA program Professor Cohen
was starting within the School of International and Public
Affairs. The one year program focuses on Environmental Science
and Public Policy and is located at Columbia's biosphere in
Arizona.

PRODUCER, Newsweek On Air, New York, NY (June-August
2001)

One of two producers on the weekly radio show, Newsweek On
Air, with host David Alpern.

REAL ESTATE SHOWER (no he did
not shower with real estate), Manhattan Apartments,
New York, NY (May-July 2001)

Showed apartments to clients; worked as salesman.

RESEARCH ASSISTANT, Professor Austin Sarat, Amherst
College (September 2000-Present)

Collect data and research for Professor Sarat's academic papers
and books. Includes collecting information on the recently
rejected New Hampshire state legislature bill that would have
outlawed the state's use of the death penalty. Also conduct
interviews with New Hampshire state senators and representatives
who proposed the bill or argued for or against it.

LEGAL INTERN, Frieda Perel, Alameda Public Defender,
CA (June-August 2000)

Summarized county documents and researched for Perel. Attended
court sessions and took notes.

LEGAL APPRENTICE, MBV Law LLP, San Francisco, CA (May
2000-August 2000)

Researched for lawyers, dealt with filings in San Francisco
courts, office paperwork organization and filings, performed
secretary duties such as revisions and additions in legal
documents, and held office responsibilities in this corporate
and real estate firm of approximately 25 attorneys.

PUBLISHING INTERN, Checkerbee Publishing, Middletown,
CT (Feb. 2000-May 2000)

Checked facts, researched for current books and proofread
manuscripts.

NOTETAKER (this isn't a job. I
take notes all the time), Versity.com, Menlo Park,
CA (Sept. 1999-Dec. 1999)

Took daily notes for NYU political science course, which were
posted on Versity.com.

LEGAL PROOFREADING INSTRUCTOR, New York, NY (May 1999-Dec.
1999)

Started and managed my own business where I taught weekly
instructional course on legal proofreading, including proofreading
symbols and red and black lining to groups of two to five.

PBS INTERN, The Charlie Rose Show, New York, NY (May
1999-August 1999)

Researched biographies and backgrounds of guests, met and
greeted guests, green room organization for the PBS show.

RADIO INTERN, Connecticut Public Radio, Hartford, CT
(January 1999-May 1999)

Wrote and edited news stories, went on assignment to news
conferences, and conducted and edited interviews.

ACADEMIC TUTOR/DRAMA TEACHER, Oddfellows Playhouse
(Sept. 1998-May 1999)

Tutored freshmen in high school and taught and directed ten
underprivileged children in improvisational theater and one-acts.

CAMP COUNSELOR (now this is more
like Sasha. A clown instructor. I shit you not dear readers,
Sasha was once a clown) , Camp Circus Smirkus, Littleton,
NH (Summer 1998)

Worked as a counselor and teacher of clowning, juggling, acrobatics,
stilt walking and unicycling.

PROFESSIONAL CLOWN, (somehow,
Sasha thought including EVERY FUCKING JOB HE EVER HAD in his
resume would help him get a job. I mean is saying you
were once a clown named after a lighter brand a good thing?)
'Zippo the Clown,' Bay Area, CA (1994-1998)

Started and managed my own business in 1994 as a professional
clown working children's birthday parties and special events.
Performed magic tricks, a juggling act and painted children's
faces.

SAN FRANCISCO MIME TROUPE (I
cant believe this is real.), San Francisco, CA (1994)

Played Jack in a politicized rendition of "Jack and the
Beanstalk" at elementary schools in the Bay Area with
the world renowned commedia del'arte theater troupe, the San
Francisco Mime Troupe.

**

EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES

**

FRAMES MAGAZINE, Amherst College (September 2000-Present)

Founder and editor-in-chief of Frames, an academic film magazine
with a staff of 25 students. Articles include essays on film
genres and styles and reviews of foreign and independent films
from students and film professors.

THE INDICATOR MAGAZINE, Amherst College (September
2000-Present)

Staff writer and, after a recent promotion, managing editor
and art editor for this liberal journal of social and political
opinion that is published approximately eight times a semester.
Assist with layout and editing.

THE AMHERST STUDENT, Amherst College (September 2000-Present)

Staff writer for features and art sections of the student
newspaper.

MOCK TRIAL, Amherst College (September 2000-Present)

Member of the Amherst Mock Trial team, which is a competing
member of the Collegiate American Mock Trial Association.

FOREIGN POLICY GROUP, Amherst College (September 2000-Present)

Attend meetings and discussion groups regularly on national
and international politics.

MOCK TRIAL, New York University (September 1999-December
1999)

Member of mock trial team at New York University, which is
a competing member of the Collegiate American Mock Trial Association.

POLITICAL DISCUSSION GROUP (at
NYU, a political discussion group just seems like something
unavoidable. you are hanging out with a bunch of pretentious
kids at coffee shops discussing politics, that's the discussion
group. every few weeks, they invite a new kid), New
York University (September-December 1999)

Participated in biweekly student discussion groups on national
and international political relations.

HERMES MAGAZINE, Wesleyan University (October 1999-May
2000)

Wrote feature articles for the Wesleyan literary periodical,
Hermes.

THE DIPLOMAT, Wesleyan University (January 1999-May
2000)

Wrote articles on international politics for Wesleyan's political
magazine, The Diplomat, and engaged in the weekly international
affairs discussion group.

THE ARGUS, Wesleyan University (November 1998-May 2000)

Wrote for features, news and art sections of the Wesleyan
student newspaper, The Argus.

WESLEYAN RADIO STATION DJ (WESU), Wesleyan University
(Sept. 1998-May 1999)

RCC trained DJ and the weekly host of a blues and jazz radio
show.

DESPERATE MEASURES, Wesleyan University (Sept. 1998-May
1999)

Performed at Wesleyan and other colleges and universities
with Wesleyan's improvisational comedy troupe, "Desperate
Measures."

FREEDOM IN NICARAGUA ORGANIZATION,
(this is actually a lie written by Sasha. He thought it would
be very impressive.) Berkeley, CA (Summer 1997)

Traveled with a group of adults who hailed from positions
at various non-profit organizations to a small farming community
in Nicaragua where we aided in the construction of the community
school building. Also helped develop the design of their clay
stoves so as to guide the smoke out of the home to decrease
cases of asthma.

**

SPECIAL SKILLS

**I still find it hard to believe
he actually wrote special skills. I mean really, I am double
jointed in all my fingers in my left hand, however, that isn't
on my resume. Why you ask? Cause I am not applying for the
freak position in my local carnival. I mean this resume is
geared, well suppose to be geared, for a law position. Do
they care about his "special skills"?

CIRCUS SKILLS Juggle five balls, four clubs, ride a
unicycle, walk on stilts, walk on a rolling globe, perform
magic tricks and create a menagerie of balloon animals. (I
can see it now, they board is reviewing Sasha's resume along
with the other candidate. They see he can juggle five balls.
Someone shouts, FIVE BALLS HOLY SHIT WE *HAVE *TO HIRE
THIS KID! They are about to sign him to his new position,
65,000$ a year to start. Then suddenly, an executive notices
the resume under Sasha's. "Wait!" he shouts. "THIS
OTHER LITTLE FUCK CAN JUGGLE SIX BALLS! SIX BALLS I SAY. WE
HAVE TO HIRE HIM!!!" Who would have thought that decisions
would be made based on how many balls you can juggle...poor
Sasha.)

OFFICE SKILLS Competent typing skills, proficiency
in Microsoft Word and Excel, experience with photographic
development, and knowledge of various sound editing computer
programs.

(all in all, Sasha's resume was 4 pages.
Apparently, he was requested to perform the impressive 5 ball
juggling act in front of his interviewer but failed. You
see, Sasha lied about being able to juggle 5 balls, he can
only juggle 3, but he wanted to get the job over all the little
show offs who can juggle 4 balls.)