I've got a friend. Let's call him Sasha Stamen-Cooper. Let's pretend Sasha Stamen-Cooper attends Amherst and comes from a small town named sabastanpole outside of Berkley California. Let's pretend that the following events actually occurred. Let's pretend this kind of crazy shit is actually possible. Let's pretend someone could actually be as stupid as Sasha Stamen-Cooper. Let's pretend, just for fun this time, that even though Sasha is really unlucky, he still can come out on top. Let's begin.
Sasha, he stayed at my house this summer. It saved him some rent, gave him an internet connection and a good computer to write at, free dinner, and good company (except for my crazy mother). I live in nYc and I must say Sasha, despite my original assertion that this city would eat him alive, adjusted to the ways of new York quite well. That is to say he didn't die. Well that isn't even true, I mean he is just lucky he wasn't sodomized. This one time, Sasha was at a bar on the upper Westside. Apparently, as I was not present, Sasha got pretty pissed. Being drunk, Sasha decided that he was not that drunk. His reasoning: I had plenty to eat before hand, I had a couple of beers in the span of 3 hours. So since he clearly was not drunk, Sasha thought it would be a good idea to take the subway back to my house in the Bronx. The 1 and 9 from 116th St. to 231st St. at two in the morning on a Saturday night. The 1 and the 9 that passes through some bad neighborhoods. But really, he would be okay, cause he was going to sit in the first subway car, with the conductor. So he would be okay.
Waiting for the subway, Sasha moved to the front of the platform so he could get into the first car. While he waited for the train, Sasha had to pee. Now he claims that he would never have made the decision to pee if he wasn't drunk, which he claims he wasn't. He approached the edge of the subway and unzipped himself and pissed on the subway tracks. I guess Sasha never heard of the third rail that carries like a gazillion bolts of electricity. I'll return to the thrilling conclusion of this part of the story in a minute.

But first, I must mention what happens after he urinated. Sasha continues standing, waiting for the train, when suddenly, out of no where, for no reason, two kids, punks Sasha calls them, approached him. One of them, was holding a box cutter. He tells Sasha to hand over all his money. Sasha reaches into his pocket as he begins squirming about how he is just a stupid kid, and has no money, and then pulls out some loose change and gives it to the assaulter. They laugh, and ask for Sasha's wallet. He removes his wallet and takes out a few dollar bills. They take his wallet and remove the few twenties. Then Sasha whines about wanting the actual wallet back. They, nicely enough I must add, give it back to him and begin walking away. Then, one of them turns around and looks at Sasha with this better not tell on me bully look that I am sure Sasha got a lot in grade school, cause he is such a pussy. Well that's the mugging.
Back to the peeing. So Sasha is still waiting for the train, 60 bucks poorer, when he realizes he could have died. Not for talking trash to muggers with knives, but for possibly having peed on the third rail. He begins realizing how lucky he has been. How loosing 60 dollars aint nothing, cause he could have died! And he is happy, cause despite everything going wrong, he is alive - and that is whats important. I guess it is though, I mean he did come out on top, right?