I am struggling with how to write this daily dose. I have not posted in a few days - I'm on vacation and really am just watching TV and chilling all day. But in these two weeks, I've been doing a lot of sleeping. And I guess I try to pay attention to my dreams because they seem so reflective. Anyway, the point is I think I have changed. Something about me is different. Describing it is impossible. But the past seems to be so far away and appears to have lasted perhaps a weeks time at most. When I think about walking to class, I see two things. One is the actually journey both ways. Up the hill past liz waters, across the street to Van Hise and then down the stairs to the third floor. Walking under the awening across the mezzanine, into the door, a left a right another right and into the stair well. Down to the second floor taking a right a left a right and another right into the 216. And then after german or zoology, down the stairs of liz waters and down the hill, passing carsons and tripp circle. Crossing the street to the short term dorms. Down the stairs near franks. The exact 200 steps from franks to bradley, passing the traffic guards in front of sullivan. Bradley approaches with the vent and the bench. The office windows and jana's office. Up the stairs into the door, the breezeway, looking into the den windows, a right and then down to my room. It seems like it just happened once, but I know, because of time, I know that I've done that over 300 times. Maybe I've let myself forget the feeling of time. I don't know if I can say that routine scares me. Doing the same thing every single day, I know it sounds ruff, but to me, life has so many little beauties to distinguish everyday. Why can I forget the length of the first semester, yet remember the first semester. So many things happened so quickly. I met friends, I lived in my dorm, I went through so much shit, classes, lectures, things that seemed to last forever now are only little bitty pieces of memory that carry with them almost no emotion. It doesn't make sense.

I think in 1996 there was a very big blizzard in New York. I had to shovel a lot of snow that winter and my mom always yelled at me for being a bad shoveler. Understood. I always thought that there was X amount of snow on the ground. No matter what that X must be removed and how you did that, didn't matter, your still removing the same amount of snow. There are easier ways to do it though, aren't there?

I think I've done things in life to compensate for me feeling at a general disadvantage. I am at no disadvantage, in fact, I have every advantage. But I never realized that and I overcompensated for a problem that never existed, but ironically, created. This vicous cycle of trying to get on top without realizing what I am on top of, is over. The hole may be deep, but it is deeper below me. Is this a real change or is this just something else. Do people really change? I am saying that I am going to be responsible, studious, good. I want to live my potential. Everyone wants that. I am saying that over this vacation I have decided, as I have before, that I am going to be making effort. But is that real or is it just like every other time I've said it. I guess that is my choice isn't it? We stare at the beautiful women, she's perfect for you man theres gotta be someone for me.

I had written that in Israel...about a week or so ago

But to continue...my mom always says after like 2 days of vacation that vacation is over! After a good month of vacation, I think too, that finally my vacation is over. So now I am back, I will be updating the site everyday, like before, writing stories and not posting them, and oh, I have like 200 pictures to show you guys. Stay tuned.

And to the few people who made my site interesting even in my absense, Kyle, Adam Holt, Savage, Dahlia, Thank you. I love you guys.