My life has not exactly been one of production, maximization, effieceny, or success. I've grown to hate being competitive: from school work to sports, applying to things to taking advantage of. Everynow and then you are forced to be competitive, to look for an edge that can be exploited, putting you ahead of the competition. College applications, Jobs, things like that. Otherwise, I hate doing things in order to be the best looking candidate. I enjoy being the best, but from my own merit, not from tailors. Anyway, back to sucking. So I have been content with being the middle, not going to the best school, not going to the worst and so on. And I don't like hard work, it makes me feel competitive. I enjoy relaxing and people, doing my own thing. That not being enough in life scares me to death. What if you have to participate in the rat race? What if I have to work as hard as possible and take every advantage I get to its max? I didn't do well in school this semester. In fact, the last four semesters of school have been shitty. Like a B- average. I can think of 100s of reasons why. I was depressed. This teacher hated me. This class doesn't matter anyway. And so on and so on. Arguing whether these excuses are valid or invalid does not really matter because at the end of the road, excuses mean shit. Life comes down to the things you do, not the things you don't do. In the end, we are the sum of all the actions we do in life. My life seems to be lacking action. As much as I think I am doing something, it vividly appears that I have been doing nothing, but with good reasons. My excuses are valid. I was too depressed to work during 11th grade. That is not my fault. I was in a really shitty place. How am I suppose to study physics when I can't even convince myself that life is worth living. I used to wake up everyday thinking I would rather be dead. Doing my history homework seemed insignificant. And now, I have just as valid of an excuse. Shit keeps on happening to me and I do my best to overcome these things and continue; to some extent I do. But in the end of each little race, I am another position behind, with another reason for failure. The best I can do is ask the entire world that comes in contact with me to understand that I don't suck, it is just my life that sucks. I could have done really well in Intro to British Literature. I could have written a nice essay on Great Expectations or Jane Eyre. However, I spent that weekend talking to various law enforcement agencies, my parents, the university, and what not. Furthermore, the essay I had begun to write, was on my old computer which I dont have anymore. I had to write an essay on my roommates computer, fuck I MEAN IT WAS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DO THE WORK I WANTED TO DO. So yeh, the point is I have a reason that I suck. I also do. BUT WHO THE FUCK GIVES A SHIT! I won't ever be able to not suck if my life does not keep on sucking. So then, the issue is not my work ethics, or being lazy, I have to really stop letting my life suck so bad. I have to start surronding myself in only positive enviroments where I won't be getting depressed. I won't be getting arrested. I won't be choosing sex over work, sleep over lectures, friends over sleep, and so forth. And writing this makes it seem like in order to succeed, I have to forgo the things that bring happiness to my life.

Everynow and then I ask you, my readers, to answer certain questions, and everynow and then, you don't. Here is another one. What do I do with all the excuses and blame (even of myself) that I have for my failures, seeing as they are both in the past? How do I account to the world why I suck?

My schedule next semester is looking pretty good. That is the only good thing I have to say. Fuck, I really have to find away of dealing with all the reasons, the ones that are my fault and the ones that are not, for my life being what it is...