As I struggle to get out of the emotional and stressful rut I've been in the past few weeks - again for reasons I am not at liberty to discuss right now - I am realizing how strong of a person I am. I know how selfserving this dose is, how self congratulatory it is, but there is a reason, besides petting my own ego, that I am writing this, in addition to the fact I have nothing else to write about. I won't let things get in my way. I mean to some extent I do, and to a greater extent I certainly did in my past, but now, I won't let myself succomb to moments in life. I enjoy seeing a bigger picture, invisioning things to certainly come in the future, and force myself to go on. At times, I feel helpless and think of giving up certain dreams and expectations that seem utterly hopeless, but I am thinking smaller for now. I thought about myself cooking today in my new apartment. The image had me wearing a pair of jeans I just bought and really like and a cool tshirt. Since I was cooking a nice dish, I had a towel tucked into the front of my pants. On the side of my kitchen counter a ciggerette gently burned in an ashtray. Maybe some condusive to cooking music was playing in the background. The apartment smelt nice. I guess its things like that which allow me to maintain bigger dreams. Just cooking you know? Never will I allow myself to get so down, nothing is worth giving up the small hopes of leading life. Whatever that means.

I switched colognes. I know wear Parliment Lights with a dash of Eternity by Calvin Kline. I was shopping with my mom this thanksgiving weekend. In sports authority we were looking for sneakers in the clearence rack, which was disorganized. A clerk walked by and my mom barked at him, "Eleven." Now imagine this clerk thinking, what the fuck does Eleven mean? It was funny.