Of all the Daily Doses I've written this is one of the ones I will really wish I hadn't written, for the same reasons as the other ones, it will always be here to remind me of the events describe. I feel like my father, ranting about some injust that seems unchangeable, "writing a letter." As silly as I was in sixth grade at my jewish socialist summer camp, which also sucked, writing the director a letter with included schedule improvements and faculty changes. Everyone has a pentiance for futility, it is why we live, more specifically, it is how we live, we embrace the futile.

I went to highschool at Ramaz Upper School. It is a Yeshiva, which means, for those gentiles reading this site, we pray in the morning, we have a strict dress code, follow orthodox judiasm in every aspect - such as limited phyiscial contact between girls and boys, Kosher food, and my favorite, a dual curriculum, 11 classes, school from 8-4:45 every day no matter what, with Bible, Talmud, Hebrew, Judiasm/Religion, and the such. However, I realized early on, to my distaste, that I was stuck in Ramaz and should make the best of it, because I had no choice, which I did, inspite of this piece. Jewish classes were taught by Rabbis and most secular classes were taught by jews as well, not on purpose, but thats how it works out.

I do not believe in god. I do not believe in religion.

I had problems at Ramaz. Most were conflicts of nature, I hated davening, following rules I didn't believe in and such. But others, the ones I will discuss, are real serious things that really hurt me and were not my fault. These stuff scared me and just ranting about them for the past hour to my friends has made me realize that I've become slightly anti-semetic because I associate jews with Ramaz and its ideals. I don't know if its wrong, that association, but I do know that I will never forgive Ramaz for making me hate.

I am good with computers. I program, I "explore systems", I know my shit. That's a given. I really enjoy learning about computers and I am quite good about teaching them also. I started a Linux club in my ninth grade (I was an ambitious little tyke). We built our own boxes, installed different flavors of linux, set up some war games, we had some fun. It was a small club, like nine kids, but it was fun and really innovative. Ramaz's previous computer clubs were flops, but this was working. Until...

I was called to the office one morning and was told to wait outside. I didn't know what I had done, but I was used to this already from previous times I had been in trouble. I was told to go into the Dean's office, a Rabbi Baskt (sp?). The administration was waiting there for me and as I sat down, smiling a bit, I was asked, by the dean, "Why did I do it?" Never had I been in this situation, the entire administration, an accusation off the bat, I was really scared and I replied, "do what?" They told me that someone hacked into Ramaz via our Linux boxes and from there into some other systems in the US and now Ramaz was being held responsible. Here's the funny thing, that was relieving. I didn't do it and I knew I didn't do it so I just said that and they made me track down who did do it and if I couldn't find that person, I was to be held responsible as it was my club. Whatever, that isn't so bad alone, falsly accused, threatend, thats normal prep school shit.

Every purim, which is a jewish holiday, you are suppose to give gifts to your friends. I set up a website to automate that system of gift giving, you know database's and such, for the student commitee and explained to the school how to use it. I did this for nothing and I enjoyed doing it. For three years I did that, despite the fact that in 10th grade I wasn't allowed to run a computer club. In eleventh grade I started the computer club again but it sucked and I was really depressed and couldn't really handle that at the time. The school knew I was depressed and was having problems, yet the computer teacher thought it was my fault I couldnt commit to the computer club and took away my presidency. That sucked too.

Then there was the time when I wrote a short film about a math class. In that film, the main character would not to sleep and dream of ransacking the class and blowing his brains out. Granted, this wasn't exactly healthy, but it was also really surreal and clearly fake. The script had no names but was based on my expierences in math class. I was talking to a friend of mine about this script one day before class and the class president, a real MTV inspired numbnuts who must have seen the MTV special about "Fights for your Rights" - squeel on your friends - over heard us and told the school's guidance counselor about the script. I had been speaking to the school's therapist for that year, he knew how depressed I was and how much I hated Ramaz, he knew I was on anti-depressents, was at times suicidal, was seeing a therapist, and I liked him, we were friends. Well anyway, the class president and this annoyingly perfect girl in my grade who spoke at the anti-drug parents meeting, yet I've seen drunk and stoned on several occassions, approached the principal as "my friends," even though I rarely speak to them. They were concerned for me and the students saftey the principal explained to me when he pulled me out of first perioud history class the next day. This suspension is just a saftey messure, I hadn't done anything wrong, they just are being safe, he told me as we sat in his office with my father. I mean for fucks sake! They suspended me for two days, they made me get a letter from my therapist to prove I was sane. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY WHATEVER I WANT TO SAY! I wasn't threatening anyone, they KNEW me. It is a very small school and they KNOW me. I am an active part of the school, I attend the stupid rallies and activities, I have friends, I take part in the school play (I was in fucking three of them, once as a lead and once as a director), I am not an unknown unibomber, I was just depressed! I sat in that office yelling, crying, about how hurt I was and they didn't care, they were being safe, making sure that I wouldn't kill the kids I grew up with because I wrote a script based on them. Do you think I'm crazy, that I would kill my classmates because I wrote about it? I lost it that day, I mean if I was depressed before, that night was hell. I sat in my room crying and yelling for hours, all night. I can't really remember why I was so hurt but I felt like I was a victim of a certain situation that school's were in at the time. The because of columbine and related events, I was thought to be crazy. Isn't that the case though? I know it wasnt a healthy script, but it was a healthy expression - THATS RIGHT, A FUCKING EXPRESSION, NOT AN ACTION - of the things I was feeling in school. I was really depressed and they knew that and they still fucking hurt me. It just sucked you know?

There are hundreds of things the school has gotten me in trouble for that I am not writing about because I am tired and they are just standard things, dress code stuff, eating a cookie in the hallways, cutting davening, whatever, but I was in trouble a lot, ask my mom. But even after the suspension for the script, I did my fucking best to deal with Ramaz, to be happy. And I succeed. I was happy for a long time, senior year was great. I started this website, I branched out on my own to seek all the things Ramaz couldn't provide me. I wrote for myself, I programmed for myself and such. I found things I loved and I did my best to incoorperate these things into ramaz. I started a student film club, I started another programming club, but was kicked out of for silly reasons yet still called upon to program the Purim thing alone my senior year. I had a lot of fun doing these things, I showed teachers my writing, one of my stories was taught in one of my classes, I had a great senior year, despite of the horrible Junior year I had. But then...

At the end of senior year they give out awards and recognisions. They are like 50 of them and at least one for every subject. There is a computer science one that is said to be given to the student who displays an active interest in computer technology in and outside of school, there is one for drama, for writing and such. I didnt get any of them. The computer science one, the one I wanted to recieve least, was the one I was really expecting to get because I showed that interest in school, so much so, that I was even accused of showing "too much interest" once...But it was given to these two kids who did well in the AP Computer Science class, and by well I mean one point higher than me on the AP, but that doesn't matter as I know more languages, more systems, fuck it, I know more and do more with computers than they do. I deserved that award for building the purim site for the school every year without any help from those kids. For making this site database driven, for helping kids with computers in school, for helping get kids involved with computers in school, and not getting that award, and someone else getting that award made me feel like shit. I guess I'm a sore looser, but seeing everyone being told they are great for not doing the things I did - like write this site, write these stories, direct the senior play - which I DID FUCKING ALONE PRACTICALLY - make the purim site, just meant that everything I did was shitty, wasn't good enough to deserve recognition that these kids recieved. And that made me feel like shit. It made me feel like I never struggled in Ramaz, like I never made it out on top, like I never healed, most of all, it made me realize how alone I've been in doing everything I've done, in believing everything I've believed, just how alone I've been when I thought I was part of a community and part of a school. I guess in order to be recognized for curing cancer at ramaz, you have to do it during the after school activity science club. If it isn't part of their jewish community, if you arent part of that community, it's, you're, nothing.

I was willing to put up with anything to be accepted and loved by the highschool I attended, anything but believing in God. Because I refused to smile about learning the bible and praying to god, I was an outcast. Never was I told how alone I was, I thought I was jewish, I know now I'm not. I know I was alone from day one in Ramaz. I was the non jew, they were the jews. I just wish I knew all this before they could hurt me this way, before they could kick me out I would have left. It just sucks knowing you wasted four years of your life doing nothing for a bunch of fuckers...at least at the end I did things for myself because they made me happy and not them.