Preface:

I have a lot of things to say and I do not know how to construct something organized or

clever. So I am just going to ramble. I do not know why I am doing this online, but I

figure its what the website is for. This is going to be really random, and there is a good

chance that no one is going to get anything that I am saying, but thats a chance I am

willing to take. Oh shit, I have 2 tests tommorow that I didnt study for, I was at an awsome

concert tonight, I am really tired, but I guess I Just have to write this.

Right, first yesterday, I went to central park with friends, we went onto the great lawn,

when it was closed, layed down in the center of it, did some kart wheels and summersolts,

and had a great time, till we almost got arrested. They took our names down and that was it,

so not so bad, so worth it and "so much better than the holocaust." Right, thats

yesterday.
As for yesterdays post, I just couldnt vocalize what I was feeling, which was

just tiredness, of the site, of daily doses, of a lot of things, and there is a good chance

that after this post, I am going to be taking like a 2-3 day break into the weekend and not

post anything, cause i need time to myself.
Today, I went to Guided By Voices, they

ruled. Played like a 4 hr set, my mom is really mad at me, but hey, thats what its about

right?
Whats it about? I have been so superficial lately, doing things I never imagined I

would do, fooling around with girls even though I had no feelings for them, creating

friendships that don't affect me - they dont make me feel anything. And maybe I am doing it

to myself, maybe it is fear is what I am trying to say. You know, distancing myself from

feeling because I am scared of what I feel, of getting hurt, who knows? But I just havent

felt anything for a long time, until now in fact. Now I feel guilty, I feel cheap,

and I dont like it. I need to change the way I react to people. See the problem with

experementing with people and superficiality, is that you become numb to feelings, you start

manufacturing emotions and you loose the ability to exeperience what is real, you can't feel

the fabrication your life has become, until something really powerful happens. And I know

what that powerful thing was, I did something with someone that should have felt more real,

and it didnt, and now, while I dont regret what I did, I wish I could do it again, and say

things I wanted to say, and make it better. But I can't. Of course I can't and I can't

believe I just said that (and this), but I guess thats rambling right? right. I sure say

right a lot. To go on, Dr. Shapiro, ok, really.
I wanted to hold myself morally

responsible for the things I do, so that I can keep myself doing things that I feel are

right, and good, and meaningful. Although truth about these things is unatainable, I must

always remember to (Pause I am on the phone)
Okay, I ended up falling asleep after that phone call. Its the next morning, im a bit late to school, I am going to try to finish what I saying. Let me just re-read what I was saying. So truth is 100% unattainable, but I think it is very important to be looking for it, or maybe not truth, but what is true for you, what makes you feel. As for the rest of this, I really can't remember what I was saying, I am going to post this now, I suppose it doesn't quite make sense, my point in it, what I was trying to say about myself, is that despite me being scared or whatever, I am going to start caring again, and stop being so silly. I want to feel good about my relationships in life and I now realize that the only way I can do that is by being honest, to myself, about the people I care about. Well that is the end of this, salutations and good day.